Thoughts

i like to write down my thoughts... have used to be doing so in the past... actually it makes me think clearer.. so the idea of the blog was very suitable and attracting to me.. so i started ironically.. i wrote so little.. though i had a lot in mind.. my posts turned to be complains.. am i the complaining type or people.. never used to be.. but sometimes, when u step out of the circle and have a look at urself from out side u get shocked about how much changes u had without u even feel it.. i thought, and still thinking, of making a separate technical blog... and another blog for books reviews.. as if i read much :).. how silly i am.. when i imagine that a person somewhere on the net that does not know me.. will read my blog.. he'll try to know about me from what i write.. i'll know he'll have some idea about me then.. maybe it is wrong.. maybe it is right and what i think about myself is the wrong.. how terrifying this thought is...!!!!

what the hell is going on?? "a month with zero production.!!!!" outch... how hard to listen to that sentence... and i'm pretty sure it was more hard to say... Learning vs Production... but none is progressing well... it is not about learning.. there must be a leak.. a time leak.. an effort leak.. i guess short term goals are essential now... tracking...i guess i have to be my own tracker now.. sometimes one has a goal in mind... so important and so valuable.. but he simply drift due to a lot of small minor negligable issues.. this is not meant to be... it is to valuable to lose.. at least for me..

suddenly i feel down. a lot lot of things to do.. i can't even sit there manage them.. and the result.. no satisfactory progress in any of them.. it's not just my work.. home too.. other stuff too.. the irritating thing is that when u r working on a task for someone requiring me to go that person. and when i manage to go there and i called him first.. he simply postpones it to another time.. !!!!! ignoring all the pressure i'm going through... i am not able and that free to go there twice a day.. when u have a lot of things to do and someone irresponsibly wastes ur time and effort.. this is very irritating.. i'm going mad because of it.. actually it makes me feel down more and more.. i think i need a ToDo list with priorities... when i was thinking of reducing my tasks to reduce the pressure i realized that i have two sets of tasks: things that i have to do. and things that i want to do. of course there can be stuff that belongs to the two sets at the same time. so what...

nearly 45 days have passed since my last and only post on the blog surprising to me.. and the people who know me (and so few they are).. i used to write my thought in the past in a note book or any pieces of papers available when i feel like writing. usually no one else is allowed to read it.. it's something for me.. i think better when i write things... apparantly this wasn't the case here.. is it lack of time? maybe.. and maybe it is the inner me that no one is allowed to read that prevents me from posting.. till i have some coding scheme so no one will be able to understand :).. the idea is releifing to me.. i've been through a lot of thinking moments recently.. i travelled for somedays. travelling gets u out of routine so u r not caught by daily events.. u spend some time in the train with nothing to do but think.. maybe read.. i wonder why i do not do these things as part of daily actions.. i should do the last few days had a lot for me... and there is more ahead...

here i am.. at my work.. eSpace.. the place i love.. surrounded by people i love and admire.. trying my best to contribute in making it a better place.. i was assigned some sort of un clear task.. well.. the task was clear.. but it was to investigate something that is not clear.. which make things more tough.. it's my job.. that's why it is hard.. if i needed someone to help me with it.. that someone could have done it instead... its complexety is the reason it is left to me.. am i good enough for it? i wish i can be more organized in the way i think... it would have helped a lot..